It's a strange time. As we pass the two week mark- it's an in between time. I can really start to see our life in Maine again- our house, our friends, my colleagues, the lake. But there is still life here. End of school activities for the kids- a summer fair for Frida, a graduation (of sorts) party for Benno. class trips - the list feels full. I approach these events cautiously, feeling hesitant to engage with others with one foot so firmly already out the door. People who are happy in Berlin, have chosen to make a life for themselves here, who express surprise at our decision, they stir my own fear that we are not making the right choice. I imagine that I am more afraid of returning to Maine than I was was when we moved to Berlin, but I can't guarantee that's true. Maybe it's because I have never returned to the same place. I've always hopped along on a linear line- this circling back feels strange. There's no excitement of new things to balance the fear. Or perhaps it's because the world feels scarier to me than it did 2 years ago, full of uncertainty. The U.S. is a shit show, so I keep my blinders firmly on and focus on our community and all of the good people who live there.
There's a phase in any big transition where your heart and mind begin to spend more time in the place you are going than where you are, and that is where I am beginning to be. It's natural but sad because it means I have less time left here than I thought. I haven't been taking many pictures these days, but I will make an effort to be here as much as I can and make as many photos as I can until we leave.
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We are gearing up to leave Berlin. A stressful, emotional time in the best of circumstances. And these are not the best of circumstances. Frida lost one of her closest friends back home 2 weeks ago. A lovely girl who meant so much to so many. Her death leaves such a hole in the lives of all who knew her and in our community back in Maine. It is hard not to fall into a pit of sadness, to feel that our time in Berlin has been bookended by hard and devastating times. To wonder what the point of coming here was, or the point of anything for that matter. To focus on all of the goodbye's that are ahead for Frida and Benno as they wind up their school year here and to ache for putting them through that again. To let fear and uncertainty take control. But despite the overwhelming sadness there is a sweetness. The touching outpouring of love and concern for our family and especially for Frida from our friends back in Maine. The incredible and boundless love and support of the community for the family of Frida's lovely friend. A visit from our closest friends at a difficult time to just be with us and hold us up a little bit. The memories of Frida's friend's visit to us here in Berlin last year. The knowing that we are not alone in our grief.
When we were faced with hard news six weeks after arriving in Berlin, Frida's friend's mom reached out to me and suggested I read the book, When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It helped me then and I have pulled it out again these last few days not unaware of how things have completely and utterly fallen apart for the sweet woman who suggested it to me. Even as I write this, I have the uncomfortable feeling that this isn't my story to tell, not my grief to share, but I feel such a strong connection to her. To all of the mothers of Frida's close circle of friends whose daughters are grieving, whose families are grieving. I am grateful for that feeling of connection and hang on to it as we make our way home. Berlin has been beautiful this spring. We have had mostly sunny warm days. We have been out and about on the weekends, exploring new places, revisiting favorite old places and generally trying to soak in as much Berlin as we can. And there has been plenty to do, with street festivals, food festivals and the Karneval der Kulturen.
I have been verbally accosted/threatened 3 times in the 22 months we have lived in Berlin. That feels like a lot and it's never not upsetting, but I am getting better at dealing with it. I am always alone when it happens which makes it even more surreal. I wonder, am I a target of some sort? What is it about me that provokes people, gives them a signal- hey let's pick on this lady. It has never happened when I have my camera- that at least I could understand. Usually I'm just a middle aged lady out doing errands.
It's always a jarring reminder that we are not alone in this world. Others are here having their own experience and here in Berlin that often involves yelling. This time I saw the lady coming- an angry woman in her 30's dressed in black with braids and a workers hat. She was aggressively walking towards me at a diagonal- edging me in towards the building. My first thought was that she was going to hit me, but instead in bright day light, on a busy street - she physically blocked me, leaned into my face and screamed at me to give her 5 euro. I said, no. She persisted and got closer and louder. I held my ground, crossed my arms looked her directly in the eye and said-"I'm not giving you 5 euro." She asked me why not- I answered, "because you're rude," wishing I could do better in German. "Wer bist du dann"- she screamed (who do you think you are?) "I'm a lady grocery shopping and now I'm going home," I responded as I moved to pass her. I could now see a young gentlemen heading towards us, He arrived and intervened just as she moved to grab my bag. I walked away quickly continuing on my path towards home leaving him to deal with her. Tears had arrived by then and once safely across the street I turned to look back. The young man was returning to the restaurant he had come from and the woman was walking away. I shouted a tear choked Danke, he waived and went in.. It was a beautiful day in Berlin. It has been a beautiful spring and 10 minutes before this woman accosted me, I was feeling really sad about leaving Berlin. And in all honesty, I am still sad about leaving Berlin. Berlin has placed me outside of my comfort zone in so many ways, and that's good for a person. But now we are headed home back to Maine. We have approximately 9 weeks left here and I will enjoy them. It's a tricky thing to leave a place and it can be tricky to return to one as well. (Neither of the ladies below is the lady who tried to soft mug me.) Last weekend we traveled with the Deutsche Bahn down to L's mother in Pforzheim, probably for the last time. Omi is getting ready to make a move and leave the apartment where L grew up, where she has lived for almost 40 years. I haven't always appreciated Pforzheim, but this time I did. The beautiful weather, the countryside and architecture. The German culinary traditions and visits with friends. I thought often of the many times we spent there over the years as a family. And most of all L's childhood which we unpacked from storage under the bed. It was bittersweet- sad to think we would never be back, but sweet to think of all of the times spent there.
The first two weeks of April were beautiful here. It was sunny and warm every day and we spent a lot of time outside re-exploring and exploring Berlin. We visited the Memorial and Museum Sachsenhausen, a new (to us) beer garden with delicious pizza and we even stumbled on the cherry blossoms. To be fair, I did see these cherry blossoms last year on a walk. I just had no idea they were a thing. It was a week day morning and no one was around. But this year we walked by on a beautiful weekend mid-afternoon and the usual quiet path a long the sbhan tracks was flooded with people. And many asian tourists, who come every year to take pictures amid the cherry blossoms. The cherry blossoms were donated by Japan after the fall of the Berlin Wall.
We had a our Easter break last week. 2 weeks off after a kind of crummy March. We spent one week divided between Thessaloniki, Greece and Rome, Italy. The weather mostly cooperated and was sunny and warmish and we explored and ate and appreciated- the places and our time together, We came back to Berlin to even lovelier weather- it's been warm and sunny. But after a week of travels, we mostly stayed local over the weekend beautifying our teeny terrace area and hanging in the local park. Next blog will be a springy Berlin story- let's hope it continues. In the meantime- Thessaloniki and Rome. ThessalonikiRomeOur weekend in London with my brother and his family will be a strong memory for our kids (and us all)- the time we all went to Hamilton- and we thought our flight would be cancelled and we would miss the show- but it wasn't. We played in the snow and ate wings, Greek, Japanese and Chinese. We met dear old friends and it was snowy and so cold!
During the February break, we escaped grey, bleak Berlin and fled to Los Angeles to tank up on sunshine and family. And it did not disappoint, we feel full of sunshine and family. Some pics from the trip.
It's winter in Berlin. It's grey, wet, cold and the days are short. After taking down the Christmas tree the apartment quickly went from cozy to confining and so we decided on a low stress night away- a change of scenery. And we found the perfect place to do it. A quick 50 minutes outside of Berlin on the Ruppiner See is the Mark Brandenberg Resort and Fontane Therme and it was literally just what the dr. ordered.
We arrived mid morning on Saturday stashed our bags and headed to the Fontane Therm . We quickly changed into our cushy white robes and donned them for the most part until we departed late Sunday afternoon. The Therme has two outdoor heated salt water pools, an indoor fresh water pool and at least 5 saunas. There are rooms and nooks to relax and it is warm with peaceful music playing quietly. The fresh water pool was closed for cleaning (which we knew) and honestly I think it is what made it so nice. There were other people there but the place was not crowded at all and it was so quiet! We spent the majority of our time in the salt water pools, and the family sauna area as these were the only areas where kids were allowed. Lars and I also made several trips to the upstairs 15 and older area to enjoy the lake sauna and even saltier water pool. I have always claimed that I don't like saunas but after our time at the Fontane Therme I am a convert. I loved the 60ºC sauna and the 80ºC (the family sauna) and even survived a 10 minute stretch in the 90ºC sauna. And this place had one of the most beautiful saunas I have ever seen. Every sauna I have been in (and there aren't many) has been small and dark, but not the lake sauna at Fontane Therme. Located on a pontoon floating on the lake, it was huge with a lake facing wall of glass. You have to walk outside to the lake sauna which chills you and makes the warmth even lovelier and then back outside to return- past a warm saltier water pool, where you float and look up to an open ceiling, so you can see the sky. I really loved this place!. It turns out Benno is also a sauna lover (like father like son.) He enjoyed the ritual of it all- flipping the timer, the sauna infusion, heading out into the cold after sauna etc. And Frida put up with it. Perhaps she will come to love it later in life like me. The whole weekend was really restorative. I have been under the weather for a while and am convinced that the sauna aided in my feeling a lot better this week (ok it could also be the meds.) I was told not to take pictures in the spa (because of all of the naked people) and for the most part I respected that but I did snap a few. |
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